What Noah's Blog Might Have Looked Like

Day 1
Rain.

Day 2
Rain.

Day 3
Rain.

Day 4
Rain.

Day 5
Rain.

Day 6
So I was loading up the last of the animals last week when I walk past my neighbor Roger, the Molech-worshipper. He looks up and says "Hey, looks like rain."
True story.

Day 7
Now wondering if it was wrong to have borrowed Roger’s hedge clippers.

Day 15
It’s been the same every day for the last two weeks, but then last night, our mama elephant gave birth. I’ll put up some pics soon.

Day 18
Note to self: next time I’m on a long cruise and I want to play badminton and I only have one birdie, play below deck. I’m so stupid.

Day 20
I hesitate to write this down, but here goes. . . .
I was working late last night when I felt something bite the back of my neck. Without thinking, I slapped it. Long story short, the new world might have to do without the zhingi-zhingi fly.

Day 25
New Year’s Day. A few resolutions for this year:
- Lose weight (let’s face it, I’m not 300 years old anymore)
- Work out more
- Read the entire Bible (there’s only four chapters in the whole thing, you think I would have done this one already)
-After we land, once a week: date night with the missus.

Day 27
Not to diss my great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great grandfather, but I’ve been hanging out with animals a lot, too, and I think I would have named some of them differently…

ADAM’S NAME MY VERSION
Rabbit: Hoppity-hoppity
Dog: Rowrf
Bat: EEEEEEEEEE!!!
Duck: Waddle-waddle-flap-flap

Day 31
You guys read this blog. You know I love my wife, right? But I swear, sometimes she just gets on my nerves.
"The roof is leaking, Noah."
"Noah, the sheep are soaking wet because the roof is leaking."
You know what? Sometimes Noah just needs a little Noah Time, okay?

Day 35
Here’s an item from the "you-learn-something-every-day" category: Hippo lovemaking is very, very noisy. Haven’t slept in five days.
P.S. I counted every knot in the cypress wood of the ship: 12,946.

Day 39
Somehow Ham keeps winning at UNO. Does he have a secret stash of Draw 4’s?

Correction: Earlier I wrote that the wood of our ship has 12,946 knots. However, I forgot to include the cover on the top deck. I included that, then recounted the entire thing three more times, just to be sure. We have 14,598 knots.

Day 45
Okay, so when God said he would make it rain forty days and forty nights, I assumed that we would be done after that. Apparently I was wrong.

Day 87
Very, very wrong.

Day 110
The wife says I’m getting paranoid, but I believe the primates are conspiring to mutiny. Can’t talk, more later.

Day 150
We’ve landed on top of some kind of mountain. More later.

Day 190
Sent out a dove, but it came back.

Day 197
This time, the dove came back with an olive branch. Going now to ask the wife if she has any recipes with doves and olives.

Day 204
Sent the dove out again today to bring back some more olives for dinner, but it didn’t come back. So good news is we may be off the boat and onto dry land soon. Bad news: Mrs. Noah’s Greek Dove Souffle is a no-go.

Day 231
So we’re on land now. Yay! Big thanks to everybody who wrote to check on us. BTW, my new e-mail address is noah@mtararat.com. I’ll still post from time to time, to keep you guys up to date. To answer a question that so many of you have asked, no, I don’t have a MySpace page yet.
Man, I could really use a drink.